Moon setting in the west as the sun rises in the east. A new day.
Just like laughter is a part of life, so sadness is as well. Death is part of life and therefore, it is a very real part of farm life. And, even if not death, sadness and failure are parts of life and definitely a part of farm life.
On the farm there are two kinds of death: the expected and the unexpected. Both are hard. Both are sad. We mourn the deaths of the animals involved whether a planned or unexpected death. Life is precious!
People have said to me over the years that they just wouldn’t/couldn’t “name the animals” that were going to be used for food. I have explained to them again and again that as each life is born (or hatched), the preciousness of life is not dependent upon the purpose of that new life. It wouldn’t matter to me if the animal was named “A”, “B”, “C”, or “T-Bone”, it hurts when a living being that you have cared for day and night dies. The vacancy is almost palpable.
We have had a pregnant cow die right before our eyes just days before her calves (yes, twins) were due. We have had steers and heifers processed whose scheduled demise caused two weeks of tears prior to that scheduled date. We have lost laying hens for an unknown reason and we have lost a whole flock of layers, including a wonderful and beautiful rooster, to a predator. We have lost meat chickens to unknown causes as well as the scheduled processing date. Death is a loss, planned or unplanned, and because we are emotionally vested in each of our critters here on the farm, the death of each one hurts.
I have to admit that the unplanned deaths, like the layer hens, Griffin, the rooster, Heidi, the pregnant cow, and I’ll include our golden retriever, Beau, in that, who we lost last summer at the young age of four and a half years of age, to complications from the heat wave, hurt really bad. I feel sometimes like I have shed buckets of tears since coming to the farm, and that is hard to deal with, but again, all death is difficult to deal with.
So, what do I do when faced with devastating hurt? Well, I might want to curl up in a ball and cry, or hide under a blanket, but when there are still animals here depending on me for food and comfort and care, that just isn’t an option. So, regardless of what I FEEL like doing, I just do the next thing that has to be done.
If it’s milking time, I milk. If it’s feeding time, I feed. There are still a lot of critters here on the farm that need care, not to mention the humans that live here as well. JUST DO THE NEXT THING.
It might feel mechanical at first. You might have to force yourself, but I have found that there is comfort in routine. Knowing that I have to go milk and feed the animals helps me get up when I wouldn’t be able to otherwise; it helps me think of someone else besides myself and it reminds me that regardless of how sad I am, that there are still living beings counting on me for their well-being.
Life is hard! There is no question about it. However, there are ways to 1) counteract the difficulties and, 2) help yourself get past them! Focus on the positives. Focus on the lives who still depend on you. Stay with your routine. Don’t give in to curling up in a ball.
Sun rising on a new day as the moon sets in the west.
As the moon rises and the sun sets on your hard day(s), try to allow the hurts and disappointments of the day to be laid to rest with the day. Remember: the sun will rise again tomorrow and each day after that and before you know it, you will be back in the swing of things, with the sadness a memory, but not a debilitating condition…and just DO THE NEXT THING!
I hope this post has been a help and an encouragement to you. If so, subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss the next post in this series “Life Lessons Learned on the Farm”. Have a great day!
*Disclaimer – I am not a therapist. This blog is not intended to function as counseling for severe depression. Seek help if your sadness and depression is more than a reaction to a sad life circumstance. I am just sharing what has helped me.
Hi everyone! WOW! Seems like ages since I was able to post on my blog and I have really missed the outlet! Writing has always been such a wonderful way to dump what was on my mind…a way of release and somehow, writing by hand on a piece of notebook paper that gets lost in a sea of other papers just isn’t the same.
So, in a nutshell and hopefully without including all the emotional trauma I have felt, I will tell you “where I have been”. Several weeks ago it became apparent that my more than ten-year-old MacBook Pro was having issues….so I began attempting to back up my data (yeah, yeah…I know, I should have been much more diligent!). I tried three different methods but none of them would/could complete the process of backing up.
I felt panicked because on my hard drive were 15-20 partially finished manuscripts of books not yet published, as well as a multitude of ideas for books not yet started. Also on my hard drive of utmost importance to me were legal and financial documents for our farm and a whole host of other impossible-to-replace documents. But, it was the unfinished books that were eating at me!
It eventually became apparent that the computer was dying, and it took its final breath even though I felt like I was giving her CPR! I was devastated. My husband, who does IT for a large corporation works on PCs and not on Apple products…and suggested that I go with a PC so that if something happens to it, he can fix it…so that’s the route I decided to go for now.
However, that didn’t fix the loss of data. I contacted a couple of my nephews who know a lot about the computer world and it was suggested that I find a local recovery company, especially after Microcenter charged me fifty bucks to tell me they couldn’t help me and that they needed to send it to their recovery company for a grand total of “at least” $1300!!! O my! I thought I would faint.
Thankfully, a week later, I had a recovery disk in my hand for a little over $400 and the assurance that they were able to recover all my data! I was elated! Then, my husband found a wonderful HP professional laptop on eBay and I got it for $375 (thanks to birthday gifts and a temporary loan from my son)! So, I am now back up and running…kind of!
So, yesterday, when I was finally able to get on my blogsite, I discovered that I had tons of messages from people who found my blog and were kind enough to leave comments of how my posts encouraged, entertained and intrigued them! It was so encouraging to me that I feel as though new life’s blood is coursing through me and I just want to get back to sharing my journey!
Some upcoming topics will be more posts on my journey on the death of my dream; new life expectancy here on the farm; where I go from here; and so much more! So stay tuned! There will be much more to make you laugh and cry and maybe even scratch your head in amazement or wonder. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey! Hope you enjoy your stay.
One note: I have been putting off the launch of my new website because of the lack of a computer…but it’s coming. Not sure what to do about my calendars that I had planned to sell since we are already almost at the middle of December. But, watch for it!
It was suggested to me by a friend that perhaps I could chronicle and share my journey through this time. I think I will take her up on that. I’m not sure how it will go, or how many “parts” there will be, but I am certainly willing to share so, if by something I am going through, I am able to help someone else going through something similar.
I don’t mean to imply that the death of my dreams is any more or less important or devastating than the death of your dreams. I just know that writing helps me process and if writing it down helps me, then perhaps it will help someone else, even if all the variables aren’t the same.
So stay tuned… or not. Either way, I will be writing my way through this processing of healing.
The first thing I want to dive into is for me, there are a couple of different types of dreams. As I said in my original post, there are dreams that just plain aren’t going to come true in any form or fashion. Then, there are dreams that won’t come true in the way that I dreamed them, but with some alterations, either in thinking or circumstances, may still resemble my dream.
Depending on which dream is on my heart at the moment demanding the most of my emotional resources at the time, the mourning will look different. For the dreams I’ve dreamed all my life that just aren’t going to come true, either by the fault of my own choices or the fault of another’s choices, the mourning is the deepest pain.
For the dream that must change, whether a little or a lot, but some semblance of that dream can remain, the mourning is different: still very painful, but some part of my brain knows that it’s not a total loss. So when you have the loss of multiple dreams in both these categories, the mourning is truly a mixed bag of emotion and thought processes.
Another aspect that I want to dive into during this introductory phase is truth. I come into this phase of my life with the basic knowledge that 1) God is sovereign; 2) I am not alone; 3) He works all things together for my good and His glory; 4) God’s word is truth; 5) I am loved by my Creator; 6) This world is not my home, so everything I go through while I am here is just temporary.
So, I invite you to come along for the journey. Subscribe, if you’d like, so that you don’t miss the posts. Feel free to comment and if something I say helps you, please feel free to share that, too. It would be an encouragement to me!
I am no different than the rest of you. I had plenty of dreams about what my life would be. Some of those dreams were based on who I was becoming; some of those dreams were based on role models I had; and some of those dreams were just whimsical wishes of a young girl.
Then, LIFE HAPPENS! Sometimes gradually and sometimes suddenly, some of those dreams of what “would/could be” are dashed, slashed and shattered…or at the very least changed in a way so that we barely recognize them. I am no stranger to broken dreams. How we deal with those changes literally makes us or breaks us!
Sometimes the dreams that are shattered can be pieced back together. They may not look like they once did, but nevertheless, they still resemble the dreams we dreamed. Other dreams must be abandoned or traded in for different dreams.
I am currently dealing with the dashing of several dreams. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Some of the dreams I am trying to learn to let go…recognizing that God is literally prying my fingers open that are holding those dreams…some are dreams that I have held most of my life. Some of the dreams I am trying to learn to let go are recent dreams that in part, have come true, but maybe not turning out exactly how I had envisioned or hoped they would.
The first step in dealing with the dashing of my dreams is mourning. I have cried so many tears this week there were times I thought I’d have no more tears to cry. There were times I couldn’t even speak or even think without shedding tears. The verse “Weeping may stay for overnight, but there is joy in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5b CSB) has been rolling over and over in my head…only it’s been more like “joy comes after mourning”. ..hopefully!
The death of a dream…let alone the death of several dreams, as I have experienced this week, is not only deep emotional pain, it is physical pain. And, not only that, it is spiritual pain and it is mental pain.
I have been reminded of the verse in Hebrews where we are told that Jesus says “I will never leave you or forsake (abandon) you”. And 1 Peter 5:6-7 says “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you.” (CSB)
The psalmist’s words “I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my bed and drench my couch every night. My eyes are swollen from grief; they grow old because of all my enemies — Psalms 6:6-7 (CSB), have definitely described me this week. Who are my enemies? Well, I have found that I can be my own worst enemy. I cling to my dream, to the hurt, and to expectations and have a tendency to protect myself from the one perceived of causing that hurt and loss of dream.
Now today, I think I am beginning to come out of the mourning phase. Does it still hurt to be forced to let go of my dreams? YES!!! Absolutely it still hurts. However, the second step I am experiencing in dealing with the death of my dreams is acceptance.
It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I am realizing that in the case of a couple of my dreams, I have done just that! I have continued to fight for and expect specifically one of my dreams to somehow magically materialize even though it has been quite evident for years that it isn’t going to happen. So, I am now faced with the task of accepting that it’s not meant to be.
How do I do that? Well, I’m not exactly sure, but one way is to continue to speak truth to myself that I am loved and that the One Who created me and to Whom I have given my life, love and trust has promised to work all things together for my good and for His glory. Romans 8:26-28 says “In the same way the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because he intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (CSB)
So, those nights when my prayers aren’t even understandable words and phrases, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me in my weakness. And that even though I do not understand why my dreams cannot be…God promises to work ALL things for my good. I cannot see the future. I do not know what it holds but I know Who holds the future (I hear the old hymn playing in my mind as I write this.) and I know He holds my hand.
So, first is mourning and then acceptance. But what kind of a life is it when you just accept and deal with what you cannot change? Honestly, in my opinion, not a great life. So what’s next?
When raising children, we call it “redirection”. When they can’t have something they want, just taking it away and slapping their hands isn’t really a very loving gesture and teaches them nothing. But when we can redirect their attention to something else, something that will take the place of what they can’t have, maybe even something BETTER, then they learn to accept and deal with it and move on. MOVE ON! That’s next. But HOW?
For an adult, especially an adult who lives by faith, it’s called renewing your mind…renewing MY mind! Romans 12 talks about renewing your mind so that we may discern what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God (Romans 12:2).
One way I have found to renew my mind is to redirect its focus. Philippians 4:6-7 say “Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (CSB). So instead of dwelling on what I can’t have…i.e., my dying or dead dreams, I can pray and petition God, with thanksgiving, understanding that in doing so, I will have His peace and my heart and mind will be guarded.
Another step in this renewal process, after prayer, is what I choose to think about. For the past several days, I have mourned the loss of my dreams and those thoughts have consumed my mind. But Philippians 4:8 says “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy — dwell on these things.” (CSB)
So the next part of renewal is what I choose to dwell on. This verse says whatever is true. What is true? What is. Not what I wish was…but what IS! Other things to dwell on are things that are honorable, just, pure, lovely and commendable. I don’t know about you, but I am a list maker…and obviously a writer…and my brain deals better with information written down. I am going to take this idea of the “renewal of my mind” and what I dwell on a step further and make a list of things that fit the criteria in this verse. I might find, as you may also, that there are plenty of things in my life that I can dwell on that will be better than dwelling on what I have lost.
Proverbs 17:22 says “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” (CSB). Well, I can tell you that I have certainly had a broken spirit this week and that broken spirit has presented physical symptoms: isolation, inability to concentrate, pessimism, anger, irritability, and many others. So, if the flip-side is joy…where can I find joy?
Nehemiah 8:10 says “Do not grieve, because the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(CSB). I can make the choice to leave the grieving behind…because it is grieving the death of something precious…and allow the joy of the Lord to be my strength. He is the giver of all good gifts: “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” — James 1:17 (CSB)
So, what good and perfect gifts has He given to me in my life that I can dwell on rather than on what I have lost? It will be different for each of us, but for me several come to mind: first and foremost is my relationship with the God of the universe, and my precious children and grandchildren are definitely joy-bringers in my life! Writing gives me joy. My farm gives me joy: new life, life cycles, planting and bountiful harvest and even physical labor…and even if how that farm looks in the future changes…it is still a wonderful gift that I could never have even dreamed of when I was younger.
So, let’s recap: How am I going to deal with the death of my dreams? 1) allow myself to grieve, to mourn the loss; 2) accept what is; 3) renew my mind and by a) prayer and b) redirection of thoughts; and 4) find the joy.
I hope putting these thoughts down in an orderly fashion helps someone as much as it has helped me. I need reminders. It will still be a struggle. I may go back and forth between grieving and acceptance more than once. But by renewing my mind and finding the joy, I am confident that I will be able to leave the dreams in the past and embrace the joys that await!
