It was suggested to me by a friend that perhaps I could chronicle and share my journey through this time. I think I will take her up on that. I’m not sure how it will go, or how many “parts” there will be, but I am certainly willing to share so, if by something I am going through, I am able to help someone else going through something similar.
I don’t mean to imply that the death of my dreams is any more or less important or devastating than the death of your dreams. I just know that writing helps me process and if writing it down helps me, then perhaps it will help someone else, even if all the variables aren’t the same.
So stay tuned… or not. Either way, I will be writing my way through this processing of healing.
The first thing I want to dive into is for me, there are a couple of different types of dreams. As I said in my original post, there are dreams that just plain aren’t going to come true in any form or fashion. Then, there are dreams that won’t come true in the way that I dreamed them, but with some alterations, either in thinking or circumstances, may still resemble my dream.
Depending on which dream is on my heart at the moment demanding the most of my emotional resources at the time, the mourning will look different. For the dreams I’ve dreamed all my life that just aren’t going to come true, either by the fault of my own choices or the fault of another’s choices, the mourning is the deepest pain.
For the dream that must change, whether a little or a lot, but some semblance of that dream can remain, the mourning is different: still very painful, but some part of my brain knows that it’s not a total loss. So when you have the loss of multiple dreams in both these categories, the mourning is truly a mixed bag of emotion and thought processes.
Another aspect that I want to dive into during this introductory phase is truth. I come into this phase of my life with the basic knowledge that 1) God is sovereign; 2) I am not alone; 3) He works all things together for my good and His glory; 4) God’s word is truth; 5) I am loved by my Creator; 6) This world is not my home, so everything I go through while I am here is just temporary.
So, I invite you to come along for the journey. Subscribe, if you’d like, so that you don’t miss the posts. Feel free to comment and if something I say helps you, please feel free to share that, too. It would be an encouragement to me!
I am no different than the rest of you. I had plenty of dreams about what my life would be. Some of those dreams were based on who I was becoming; some of those dreams were based on role models I had; and some of those dreams were just whimsical wishes of a young girl.
Then, LIFE HAPPENS! Sometimes gradually and sometimes suddenly, some of those dreams of what “would/could be” are dashed, slashed and shattered…or at the very least changed in a way so that we barely recognize them. I am no stranger to broken dreams. How we deal with those changes literally makes us or breaks us!
Sometimes the dreams that are shattered can be pieced back together. They may not look like they once did, but nevertheless, they still resemble the dreams we dreamed. Other dreams must be abandoned or traded in for different dreams.
I am currently dealing with the dashing of several dreams. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Some of the dreams I am trying to learn to let go…recognizing that God is literally prying my fingers open that are holding those dreams…some are dreams that I have held most of my life. Some of the dreams I am trying to learn to let go are recent dreams that in part, have come true, but maybe not turning out exactly how I had envisioned or hoped they would.
The first step in dealing with the dashing of my dreams is mourning. I have cried so many tears this week there were times I thought I’d have no more tears to cry. There were times I couldn’t even speak or even think without shedding tears. The verse “Weeping may stay for overnight, but there is joy in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5b CSB) has been rolling over and over in my head…only it’s been more like “joy comes after mourning”. ..hopefully!
The death of a dream…let alone the death of several dreams, as I have experienced this week, is not only deep emotional pain, it is physical pain. And, not only that, it is spiritual pain and it is mental pain.
I have been reminded of the verse in Hebrews where we are told that Jesus says “I will never leave you or forsake (abandon) you”. And 1 Peter 5:6-7 says “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you.” (CSB)
The psalmist’s words “I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my bed and drench my couch every night. My eyes are swollen from grief; they grow old because of all my enemies — Psalms 6:6-7 (CSB), have definitely described me this week. Who are my enemies? Well, I have found that I can be my own worst enemy. I cling to my dream, to the hurt, and to expectations and have a tendency to protect myself from the one perceived of causing that hurt and loss of dream.
Now today, I think I am beginning to come out of the mourning phase. Does it still hurt to be forced to let go of my dreams? YES!!! Absolutely it still hurts. However, the second step I am experiencing in dealing with the death of my dreams is acceptance.
It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I am realizing that in the case of a couple of my dreams, I have done just that! I have continued to fight for and expect specifically one of my dreams to somehow magically materialize even though it has been quite evident for years that it isn’t going to happen. So, I am now faced with the task of accepting that it’s not meant to be.
How do I do that? Well, I’m not exactly sure, but one way is to continue to speak truth to myself that I am loved and that the One Who created me and to Whom I have given my life, love and trust has promised to work all things together for my good and for His glory. Romans 8:26-28 says “In the same way the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because he intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (CSB)
So, those nights when my prayers aren’t even understandable words and phrases, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me in my weakness. And that even though I do not understand why my dreams cannot be…God promises to work ALL things for my good. I cannot see the future. I do not know what it holds but I know Who holds the future (I hear the old hymn playing in my mind as I write this.) and I know He holds my hand.
So, first is mourning and then acceptance. But what kind of a life is it when you just accept and deal with what you cannot change? Honestly, in my opinion, not a great life. So what’s next?
When raising children, we call it “redirection”. When they can’t have something they want, just taking it away and slapping their hands isn’t really a very loving gesture and teaches them nothing. But when we can redirect their attention to something else, something that will take the place of what they can’t have, maybe even something BETTER, then they learn to accept and deal with it and move on. MOVE ON! That’s next. But HOW?
For an adult, especially an adult who lives by faith, it’s called renewing your mind…renewing MY mind! Romans 12 talks about renewing your mind so that we may discern what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God (Romans 12:2).
One way I have found to renew my mind is to redirect its focus. Philippians 4:6-7 say “Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (CSB). So instead of dwelling on what I can’t have…i.e., my dying or dead dreams, I can pray and petition God, with thanksgiving, understanding that in doing so, I will have His peace and my heart and mind will be guarded.
Another step in this renewal process, after prayer, is what I choose to think about. For the past several days, I have mourned the loss of my dreams and those thoughts have consumed my mind. But Philippians 4:8 says “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy — dwell on these things.” (CSB)
So the next part of renewal is what I choose to dwell on. This verse says whatever is true. What is true? What is. Not what I wish was…but what IS! Other things to dwell on are things that are honorable, just, pure, lovely and commendable. I don’t know about you, but I am a list maker…and obviously a writer…and my brain deals better with information written down. I am going to take this idea of the “renewal of my mind” and what I dwell on a step further and make a list of things that fit the criteria in this verse. I might find, as you may also, that there are plenty of things in my life that I can dwell on that will be better than dwelling on what I have lost.
Proverbs 17:22 says “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” (CSB). Well, I can tell you that I have certainly had a broken spirit this week and that broken spirit has presented physical symptoms: isolation, inability to concentrate, pessimism, anger, irritability, and many others. So, if the flip-side is joy…where can I find joy?
Nehemiah 8:10 says “Do not grieve, because the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(CSB). I can make the choice to leave the grieving behind…because it is grieving the death of something precious…and allow the joy of the Lord to be my strength. He is the giver of all good gifts: “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” — James 1:17 (CSB)
So, what good and perfect gifts has He given to me in my life that I can dwell on rather than on what I have lost? It will be different for each of us, but for me several come to mind: first and foremost is my relationship with the God of the universe, and my precious children and grandchildren are definitely joy-bringers in my life! Writing gives me joy. My farm gives me joy: new life, life cycles, planting and bountiful harvest and even physical labor…and even if how that farm looks in the future changes…it is still a wonderful gift that I could never have even dreamed of when I was younger.
So, let’s recap: How am I going to deal with the death of my dreams? 1) allow myself to grieve, to mourn the loss; 2) accept what is; 3) renew my mind and by a) prayer and b) redirection of thoughts; and 4) find the joy.
I hope putting these thoughts down in an orderly fashion helps someone as much as it has helped me. I need reminders. It will still be a struggle. I may go back and forth between grieving and acceptance more than once. But by renewing my mind and finding the joy, I am confident that I will be able to leave the dreams in the past and embrace the joys that await!
